Today was a packed day off, and yet, no actual packing was done! Curious!
My luggage arrived the next day after I ordered it (this morning) which is a huge relief, and the box it shipped in is enough raw cardboard for mailing out my longboard and umbrella.
I missed taking my meds yesterday, and while it really didn't mess with me too much, I really kind of felt it after resuming them today.
I hung out with Troy and Jo. Troy is an important friend who I knew I had to see again before leaving, and Jo has been meaning to hang out with me outside work since before I made it known I was moving. I made introductions between them, and everyone had a good time, so I'm glad my instincts were correct. I really appreciate the value of someone making introductions for me, so without being too pushy about it, it makes me feel glad when I can take on that role for other people. Something I'm really trying to be mindful of, as I adjust to thinking about myself within groups contexts, is not losing sight of people's humanity behind symbols on a social graph. When I'm trying to process a lot of data, it seems easy to make the mistake of streamling too much.
Anyway, part of why I'm writing this right now is that. Well, out of what we'll call a sense of friendly rivalry with Fran, I proclaimed that I too would be taking a break from cohost for the remainder of the day. b/c like, psh, it's totally like, no big deal at all or whatever! So yeah, that impulse is actually much stronger than I would've given it credit for had I not put it to the test like this. If cohost is cigarettes, I consider this blog nicotine patches. It's pretty close to journaling for myself, but not exactly all the way.
It could've also been that seeing my friend make a healthy choice inspired me to do the same, in a healthy impulse, towards some kind of mutual flourishing? No way, that's soooo corny. Hehe. Part of me feels like it's a trifling matter, and one that the powerful mechanism of friend accountability is overkill for. But Fran literally did it first, and that gave me the courage I needed to make that commitment to myself. That kind of flourishing resulting from... Rachel Pollack describes it as "fair play," I think. Friendly competition? I strongly associate it with the imagery of the five of wands, one of my favorite minor arcana.
Maybe it's extrapolating too much from an isolated event that I have very positive feelings about,(is it really, though? or are you just coming at yourself from a place of bad faith again?), but I think this aspect of my relationship with Fran (so we've ceded it's not isolated) is an indicator that something healthy is going on between us. A deep respect? I value her opinion highly, and while there are some undertones of lingering parasocial behavior, the greater basis is that I do genuinely respect her opinion as an extension of her. I honestly feel pretty OK writing that here because it's something I'd gladly say to her face. It's a relationship that's felt all the more rewarding for every time I've put aside my discomfort to be honest with her. It seems like a value we hold in common.
Anyway, wow, two or so paragraphs of talking about an interaction with Fran, haha. Sure is normal hours in here, huh? There was also another thing that I'm just. Gonna have to put a pin in. If you're reading this and aren't Fran, sorry for the cliffhanger! (just to be absolutely clear with myself, I'm not sorry)
Did I have anything more to say? I lost my fake skater girl cred by buying a skate tool today. The sound my board was making wasn't actually the bearings, but loose screws on the trucks. So a super easy fix that didn't cost me anything. Awesome!
My conversations with Nathalie have really driven home that I might not actually be too good for impostor syndrome after all. Trying to work on that one, and take a leap of faith that, at the very least, I'm more liked than disliked among my friends. I think part of the problem with having a fragile ego is that handling criticism can be so all-or-nothing with me. But I definitely have a few people now that I can confidently say I can handle criticisms from in a normal way. My sister was a huge part of getting me accustomed to it. OK, I've yapped my piece. Sapphire, signing off!
Wait, OK, surprise bonus yap:
Oh, yeah, and I was thinking about how cute Nel is today too. She has a face that I literally cannot imagine staying upset at (bro, the penelope beam 🥺), and that might pose a very real problem down the line, if I ever have good reason to be. God knows 'no' has never been my strong suit. Ugggggh. Why am I, a cute, stupid girl, surrounded by all these other cute stupid girls?? Mysteries of the universe that may yet go forever unsolved. OK, peace out!
Back to diary.