Downloading a couple more albums onto my flash drive today. Or maybe just one.
I'm not downloading the guchiri album because it's almost always a poor choice to put on for emotional regulation. You know, the thing I'm always being very responsible about when I listen to music. I watched the music video for Nitro two or three more times after I found it yesterday. In hindsight, each time, in a progressively worse shambles. How I went to bed so easily, read more B.K., then fell right asleep, is a mystery to me. There are probably some things in there I'm forgetting.
This morning I woke up with shocking ease. I think it was like 7:15 and opened my eyes, feeling perfectly awake right where I lay. I had a dream about a few things. Mostly, that I was housing precarious again. I think the flight cancellation in Minneapolis knocked loose some stuff about that. Besides, anything can happen, you know?
Anyway, I'm listening to Admiration by BLACKNAZARENE as a compromise between alt-idol vibes and an overall optimistic message about overcoming challenges. Really, the only thing alt about them is the instrumentals. I think a real idol-head could pick apart that nuance more than I can. I feel fraudulent in so many things.
With that said, Time Lapse by Kinokoteikoku! It's just a very good album for actually sitting with feelings of sadness and mixed hope. A lot of the songs on there are really special to me. I was listening to a bit of it last night doing the dishes.
Looking at the line breaks, feels like my thoughts are kinda staccato today. My coffee was like, 3/4 caffeinated today, as opposed to the usual decaf. I think just out of a sense that I have to get some stuff done today. I think around this time last month, I filled in my work schedule in my planner and realized that I only had two actual days off to get ready. And that was to go on a vacation. Fuck. I guess that'll be the first bandaid of the day.
I know I shouldn't feel pressured to be interesting on here, or uh. Some other unhealthy mode of social media usage. I think even the pressure just leading up to the move is making the borderline stuff kind of unavoidable. When I get to Minneapolis, I think it would be something really good to try and seek out a support group for, but there's absolutely that element of impostor syndrome that comes with being self-diagnosed. I'm really hoping that's one of those perceptions that's more the result of being steeped in a toxic internet culture than how it actually is in reality.
That was definitely the case for how nice and not at all cutthroat or cliquey the other trans people I spent time with in Minneapolis were. I reflected on some of those anxieties with Nathalie talking about her b-day party, and ultimately, I think Nathalie is pretty discerning about who she keeps company with. I expect it'll be a lot of fun if I'm not a nervous wreck the entire time. I'm not really sure what it is that creates the necessary level of comfort to be the social butterfly people seem to mistake me for being. But all I can really do is try my best, and hopefully, having at least the preparations for moving out of the way will take some weight off my chest.
I really want to think of getting on that train (a train! a train!!) to Minneapolis as the start of a new adventure and not. Not something to dread. Sometimes trains take you to bad places. The train doesn't make it bad or good though. Something about being on-rails.
Oh, a couple more notes on beautiful princess disorder. I'm not gonna lie, calling it that genuinely does help me laugh at it a little bit, so long as I'm mindful of not falling into an ironic detachment. Thanks Namine! Not for the borderline ofc, but for being the main person supporting me about it rn. Uh, well, it feels like the kind of thing I mostly can't talk to other people about really. You know, because this doesn't count. OK, OK.
Well, OK, another thing that I've been learning to trust in lately has been that people still love me for my messy self. And that's not even contingent on how much of that they have a direct window into. Like I'm sure Nathalie is not an idiot about why I'm like clockwork for most things and just up and cancel with only the vaguest of explanations other times. Yaffle strikes me as somewhat nervous (understandably so!) but she's still much beloved. Oh, and Alice! Alice is so precious. It seems a little ridiculous that I would make an exception for myself in that way.
Last note? Hm, there's also been really unpacking the weird thing about thinking everybody can infer way more about me from just my presence than they actually can. Fran has something pithy about that. But it's placed a newfound importance for me on just saying what's on your mind! I named it specifically as a form of courage. A lot more to say here. The point is, I think speaking what's in your heart can often be one of those powerful choices!
I'd like to incubate some more of my strategies for dealing with BPD on my own and with Namine before opening up to more people about it. But I think it's one of those things like uhhhh being trans? that you don't want to hide from the people you love, because it's such a major part of how you exist in the world. And more and more, I'm beginning to think that that seeing each other in as close of a totality (i like the word gestalt) as we're able, is maybe the goal of love.
Back to diary.