Struggling to remember what happened yesterday. It feels like some pretty important stuff happened. The back half of the day I was out of sorts with combination headache nausea. Finished reading the descriptions of the minor arcana in 78 Degrees of Wisdom which was a cool little milestone. Next is spreads, and the eventually outlining what I've read into useful notes for my wiki. More on that in a bit.
I also had the personal breakthrough that I do not feel comfortable dressing how I want at home when my partner is around, and this is the precursor to many of my problems around self-image. I think it's also partly why I'm freaking out a bit about having to dress more like I would want to for the minneapolis visit. I just don't want to be sexualized for how I dress. Yes, very healthy situation I'm in, I know. That's why it's such a priority to get out. (sorry imagined reader, that agression was not meant for you)
I got to hang out with Troy this morning, and that was really, really enjoyable! We both really needed it. As much as I'm trying to move to Minneapolis to find community, it's nice to know I have at least one person here who feels revitalizing to connect with. I hope that I can continue to have connections like that with my online friends too. Axe and I are actually gonna talk on Friday about the secret project! They called it a dev meeting which, hoo boy, if I'm serious about wanting to make something, the nerves from just hearing those two words are gonna be the least of what I need to get over. Remind's me I still gotta play Fran's game!
The next couple weeks are gonna be slammed with work and trying to fit travel preparations in-between. This would all be so much easier if I had access to a car and could go shopping when my partner was at work. But this is one of those places where having a planner feels like it gives me a huge edge. Just have to be. Patient. And let's see, speaking of tools. Since nathalie got me started with budgeting software... it's made me reflect on just how limited my cognitive abilities are when I'm not extending them with tools. I receently had a realization that another thing I don't really think of as being a tool actually functions as one, but I can't remember what it was!!
In other news, I really, really wanna play Sakura Wars. Galge aesthetics are so much fun, I really wanna engage with them in a firsthand way. Or get into console gaming at home in general once I get my own space. Especially hearing it said that Sakura Wars is more in the adventure game lineage than that of sim games like Tokimeki Memorial. Do not enjoy number crunching, but do love me an AI: The Somnium Files or similar. A TV would be the real pinch point, I think.
Also, the full version of Undead by Yoasobi is out! It'd definitely one of the hits for me in their very hit or miss discography of anime openings. Sometimes it feels like they only really have one song in them, but the hook on this one goes nuuuuts! Though I think at this point in my mind, the song and the trailer it debuted in are inseparable in my mind. I would love to finish all of monogatari (anime) sometime, but there's quite a lot. It seems like something good to watch in the colder months, especially if there's real snow.
Seriously considering the possibility that I may be yapping too much to avoid inward contemplation, but sometimes it's a tool for that. Just not the quiet variety. Enjoying life's frivolties is one of my favorite things ever! And anyways, I'm sure there are minor arcana that speak to both of these. Can't wait to start getting into doing readings. Then the cards can do the yapping for me. Or I get lost in some kind of haywire feedback loop. I think in general, this increase in excitement and energy is welcome. When I feel that way, I can pivot into directing that energized feeling into doing useful or difficult things, like dishes. Building up mania meter! Maybe not sustainable in the long term, but it's the tool that I need right now.
And this was honestly, what? 10-15 minutes of my time to feel more grounded and energetic (a pairing unique to this activity, afaik)? I'd say that's worth keeping up as a habit. Some girls just need to yap. Something I am considering though is breaking up these diary entries into sections like "day-to-day", "travel plans," and "media." I think maybe retroactively appplying these headings to this one would actually make it a great deal more readable.
Oh, and how can I forget, Karamazovposting! Falling ever deeper in love with this ridiculous book. It really feels like it speaks to my soul and all that I enjoy in life, which again, shouldn't be too much of a surprise because it was reading The Myth of Sisyphus, along with some other passing familiarity with its existential themes, that got me to check it out in the first place. And my wonderful fellow book club members <3333 (love you Axe and Nathalie). I've had House of Leaves recommeneded to me many times, including by Bon, who I think it would be cool to connect with over, but talking with Troy has really sold me on it. And at this point, I think it's kind of a rosetta stone for a certain kind of Borges-adjacent pervert that I'm really interested in connecting, in the same way that Homestuck is for a certain kind of modernity pervert.
ADDENDUM: the tool that I was thinking of and couldn't remember is wiki software. My planner and budgeting app are tools I'm completely dependent on for a basic level of adult functioning. I think if I actually want to enjoy knowing things, I have to be realistic that I just can't hold very much in my head and note-taking wiki software are just something I have to swallow my pride with and embrace using.
Feels like I'm really in a moment in my life where I'm so energized that everything around me suddenly has quest markers on it, and if I don't keep an eye on all this wands energy, I'm going to end up like the ten of that suit.
Back to diary.