Wrote a lot on cohost today. Like, getting the laundry done was cool and good, but it really does feel like going into a fugue state when I get really into what I'm writing. Not in a "time flies when you're having fun way," but more of a "The Writing is in control now" sort of way, and I completely lose any awareness of time (undesired). When I want to say something with my whole pussy, I really lock in fussing over the wording of each sentence until I hit the end. I'm sure I would benefit massively from any amount of draft process, but it still feels that writing is something that happens to me when I'm innocently walking into what I think is going be a short quip of a blog post, rather than anything I'm in control of. I don't anthropomorphize it this way or anything, but it's like the writing demons take over for four hours and then I wake up back in my own body.
Every time this happens, I say to myself afterwards "well, as you get more used to writing, you'll be able to better recognize when you're getting sucked in, and with time, be able to step in to countermand that impulse." This hasn't happened yet. In an unusual case of fighting fire with fire, I think hopping over to here and writing some more to reflect on that experience of not feeling in control is a good next step for addressing that process.
This really does seem like an undeniable sign of some kind of serious mental imbalance, and I'm trying to have grace with myself for that. Maybe it's just a necessary release valve, and there are definitely worse ways for that pent up energy to have manifested. I would take a break if I knew how. Ah, but then I have to confront an even greater sense of lacking control in my life. I just have to hold onto this knot in my stomach a little longer. When I move, the needle will have moved in a major way. And then I'll be in a different kind of stress, but it will be better. I really believe that.
I think I need to just turn off my brain for a while; put on some non non biyori or something.
I also ended up reading skeleton's new article which hand in glove with the ella guro essay i've been tearing up. it's all coming together to form an extraordinarily haunted image of the present. It's funny, but writing that thing about inanimate tf made me really just appreciate how much Deep Hell is the pond scum that my own sensibilities for writing festered in. I'm really truly and deeply grateful for Skeleton, and Karin, and everyone else that I met. And Nathalie is so sweet. Knowing all these people has brought so much joy to my life. I'll make a note of it here, in an obscure corner of my heart.
For the first time since I can remember, I really feel like I'm not having to work through everything alone. I think I'll feel that even more if I can get to a place where I can have more connections in-person too.
Back to diary.